Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the  cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there,  Nancy?”  “My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking  up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,   “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

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When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks and manner) that he was tired of making speeches.

“I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you
give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

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A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100… Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought, and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

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When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.

But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess   after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we’ve been together.”

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, “So why do you have all that money in the box?”

Bill answered, “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.”

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: “If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ‘Car95′ or ‘CarNT.’ Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that’s powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ‘general car fault’ warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say ‘Are you sure?’ before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You’d press the ‘Start’ button to shut off the engine.

1. Fool Your Coworkers With the Refrigerator Handle Switch
On most fridges (certainly the ones in most offices), you can flip the hinges from one side to the other, allowing you, for example, to open the door on either side for corner placement. Typically, one switches the handle as well, but if you don’t, the refrigerator becomes a nearly unsolvable puzzle as victims pull and pull on the handle. If no one’s watching, some will even dig in their foot against a nearby counter and pull in vain directly against the hinges.

Make the switch to your office fridge right before the lunch rush, and settle in with a sandwich to watch the fun. The beauty of this prank is that once someone knows the trick, they can’t wait to see someone else fall for it.

2. Lock Your Buddy’s Shopping Cart at Lunch
Shopping carts are often protected against theft by a wheel-locking mechanism that’s triggered when the vehicle leaves a store’s premises. A yellow line is painted around the perimeter of say, the local market where you and a colleague might eat lunch tomorrow, and buried underneath it is a cable that emits a changing magnetic field signaling the carts to lock.

Build your own backpack-size, battery-powered yellow line to lock and unlock carts within the store, playing “red light/green light” with unwitting shoppers. That may sound a bit cruel, but the creator of this project on our site said most locked-out victims were laughing and talking to each other when stalled—and choosing a Saturday morning instead of a Monday afternoon seems to make a big difference in morale.

This is an advanced project utilizing high-current micro-controllers and signal processing, but the payoff in geek credibility is huge—and you can’t even come close to buying this at a prank shop. What’s more, once you’ve locked a friend’s cart and decided you can’t actually bring yourself to lock a stranger’s, you’ll still have a beefy H-bridge capable of controlling around a 50-volt, 30-amp-plus motor for your next build.

3. Germinate Your Cubicle Mate’s Keyboard
Got an environmentally conscious colleague whose Spring Break coincides with April Fools’ Day? Sprout some seeds to turn their keyboard green! Seeds will start growing almost anywhere where there’s a bit of water, so build a quick greenhouse on your own: Cover the keyboard with some wet paper towels or toilet paper, then throw it all in a large plastic bag Don’t worry, people have had success dishwashing their keyboards before, so some moist paper probably won’t cause any permanent damage.

This is a great prank because it’s obvious that at least a week of planning went into it. Worse comes to worst? Plead innocent: “I thought you were trying to be more green!” Not enough time to germinate seeds? Try hot gluing on 1 sq. ft. of real grass turf.

Hey, can you do something for me real quick? Could you enlist in the Army? I’m only asking because I was just wondering about it, because it would be great, I think. If you joined the Army. And it would definitely help me out.

You would really get something out of it, too, I think. You could travel to whole other countries. All around the world. It would be an adventure. You would get to use equipment and stuff like that. It could be amazing. Just think about it. Plus you would be doing me such a huge favor that I cannot even tell you.

Seriously, why not sign up? I’ll get you the form. It will only take a second. You just sign on the line and you’re in. I can be there with you and show you where to sign and everything, if you want. I’m happy to do it. Especially since you’d be doing such a nice thing for me by signing up. So you should really do it.

Man, thanks so much in advance.

As far as going to other countries goes, which I mentioned earlier? Yeah. You totally could. You might get stationed anywhere—there’s tons of other countries. And you’ll get sent to one of them. You’ll go somewhere for boot camp, too. Maybe in Kentucky or California. Not bad, huh? And then they will ship you off to just about anywhere you can think of. Unfortunately, I can’t say for sure where you might eventually go. That’s not up to me. It depends on your deployment orders, and what might be going on at the time, as far as where your help would be needed in the world, and I don’t have any control over that. Wish I did. I’d send you to Hawaii or some other fun place just as a way of saying, “Hey, thanks for signing up, buddy.”

You got the DVD I sent you, right? Pretty cool. And the razor? Did you get that? There’s a video game, too. It’s fun. Would you like to play it with me sometime? Come over whenever. We’ll play it.

Let’s see, what else? I already mentioned it would be an adventure, because it really would. You get to learn about weapons and other skills. There’s ropes to climb on. And Jeeps. I’m not even kidding you. You will get to shoot a gun. It’s going to be amazing. Serious. And there will be other people there.

Once again, I can’t tell you how much it would mean to me if you signed up. You would really be doing me such a solid if you could just commit to like 18 months in the Army.

And did I say the thing about pay? Yeah, I don’t know how I could have forgotten that part. You could get thousands of dollars. For school or whatever. What could be better than that? It’s just our way of saying we appreciate your joining up. Plus, you could get your life on track. Not that your life is screwed up or anything. I don’t mean to imply that.

You’d really have a lot of respect, I think, too, if you went in the Army at this particular point in time. It wouldn’t just be about helping me out of a really tough spot and everything. It would be about the uniform, which is one of respect. When you wear it, you would hold your head up high.

I think it’s great and all, your coming to my aid and signing up, if you do.

Oh, another thing I mentioned before that I almost forgot about was all the amazing equipment that they would let you use if you signed up for the Army. Guns and cannons and tanks. Some really cool stuff. And that’s not even to mention the advanced satellite and electronics machines. All of that! Those things are unbelievable. If you sign up, you could be learning how to use those things. That’s what I did: I learned all of that stuff and it wasn’t even that hard. That’s what’s so amazing about it.

Now that you know my story, and see that I joined and went and I turned out great, why don’t you just hop on over and join, too? You like me, right? So then just do me this favor and sign up and go into the Army for me. And for you. Probably even more for you.

Because, yeah, there’s so many reasons why joining the Army is a great thing for you personally. The money and the respect. And training? Also, you know, because if you could sign up that would be so nice of you. I don’t want to say I need you to join up, but I would like you to. I’ll seriously owe you a big one.

That’s all you have to do. If I got you one of those enlistment forms, could you just sign it? I’d really, really, really, really, really appreciate it. Really. A lot.

If you make it back, I promise I’ll totally do something for you. I’ll help you move!