Old News

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o?clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ? I bet you $50 the man is going to jump.?The blonde replies, ?Okay you?re on.? Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.

The brunette says, ?I can?t accept this money. I watched the 5 o?clock news and saw the man jump then.? ?No, you have to take it,? says the blonde.

?I watched the 5 o?clock news too, but I didn?t think he would do it again.?

Young Carribean Man

There was this young man, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, ?Where did you come from? How did you get here??
She said, ?I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank.?

?Amazing?, he said, ?I didn?t know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you.?
?It is only me?, she said, ?and the rowboat didn?t wash up, nothing else did.?

?Well then?, said the man, ?how did you get the rowboat??
?I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island,? replied the woman. ?The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.?

?But, but,? asked the man, ?what about tools and hardware, how did you do that??
?Oh, no problem,? replied the woman, ?on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, where do you live??

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.
?Well, let?s row over to my place?, she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

?It?s not much,? she said, ?but I call it home. Would you like to have a drink??
?No,? said the man, ?one more coconut juice and I will puke.?
?It won?t be coconut juice,? the woman replied. ?I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, ?Tell me, have you always had a beard??
?No?, the man replied, ?I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship?.
?Well, if you would like to shave, there is a man?s razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.?

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.

?You look great,? said the woman. ?I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable.? After a short time, she returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

?Tell me,? she asked, ?we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now.?

?Yes there is,? the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, ?You mean you actually figured out some way to make an Internet connection??

Don?t use mobile inside Toilet

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying ?Hi, how are you??

I?m not the type to start a conversation in the men?s restroom But I don?t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, ?Doin just fine!?

And the other guy says: ?So what are you up to??

What kind of question is that? At that point, I?m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: ?Uhhh, I?m like you, just travelling!?

At this point I?m just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear I hear another question. ?Can I come over??

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, ?No??. I?m a little busy right now!!!?

Then I hear guy say nervously? .

Listen. I?ll have to call you back. There?s is an idiot in the nearby toilet who keeps answering all my Questions!!!?

Camel?s Doubt

The little camel went to his mother and asked, ?Mother, why do we camels have such big eyes??
She looked on him lovingly and replied, ?You see, my son, when we are walking in the dessert and the wind starts to blowing and there?s sand everywhere, we need these big eyes to keep an eye on one another so that we don?t get lost.?

?Oh!? he said. ?And why do we have such huge feet?

?Well,? she said, ?they allow us to walk easily in the dessert sands and help us avoid sinking into the dunes.?

?Wow,? he said, ?great equipment. What the heck is this stuff on our backs for??

?You see,? his mother informed, ?we can walk for days, even weeks without food or water, so we use it to store fat during those times. But why do you ask me all these obvious questions??

?Well, mother,? said the young camel, ?I was just wondering, if we?ve got all of this great stuff, what are we doing in the zoo??

What God Looks Like

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."

The Smart Russian Businessman

A Russian businessman walks into a Swiss bank in Geneva and asks for a $100 loan. He offers his luxury Mercedes car as collateral. The collateral is too good, and the bank manager approves the loan. A year later, the Russian comes back. He repays the loan and the 10% interest and is ready to collect his car. Finally, the puzzled bank manager dares to ask him: “Excuse me, sir, could you tell me: did you really need that $100 so badly? In order to get the money, you left your luxury car with us for a whole year!” The Russian replied, “That’s simple – just think outside the box: where else in Geneva can I find such a great parking place for just $10 a year?”

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Insurance sales pitch

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "who do you think they are going to send into battle first?"