The Ugliest Man

Three men were waiting at Heaven’s Gate. St. Peter says, “OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe.”

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, “How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?”

He nudges the babe and says, “Tell them.” She says to the first two guys, “I lied.”

Filling a Form in Capitals

One great day in Washington D.C, a couple were on a honeymoon tour.

They saw one man in front of a hospital was trying to fill some form.

So the couple inquired eagerly “What are you doing ?” The man replied that he had a baby and he was filling the birth certificate form.

The couple as per schedule, took the Flight for their next destination, Tokyo

On the next day, they find the same man, in Tokyo filling the same form.

So once again young couple curiously asked - “What are you doing here?”

The Man once again replied “I had a baby and I am filling the birth certificate form.”

The couple said “but yesterday you were in Washington filling the same form, how come you’re in Tokyo?”

The Man coolly replied - It is written here - “FILL IN CAPITALS”

The World’s Most Stupid Joke Ever :-)

Well, this joke is not funny… but ‘is this meant to be a joke’ part which is funny…

James Bond babe in Ford ‘Ka’

James Bond movies have always featured some of the finest automobiles to date along with some of the most sensual women posing as Bond girls, be they vamp and vixen or agents in arms! In the forthcoming Bond flick, ‘Quantum of Solace’, Bond’s lady-love cum ally, Camille, played by Ukrainian model-turned actress Olga Kurylenko will be seen driving the new Ford Ka.

 

Old News

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o?clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, ? I bet you $50 the man is going to jump.?The blonde replies, ?Okay you?re on.? Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.

Young Carribean Man

There was this young man, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, ?Where did you come from? How did you get here??
She said, ?I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank.?

?Amazing?, he said, ?I didn?t know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you.?
?It is only me?, she said, ?and the rowboat didn?t wash up, nothing else did.?

?Well then?, said the man, ?how did you get the rowboat??
?I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island,? replied the woman. ?The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.?

?But, but,? asked the man, ?what about tools and hardware, how did you do that??
?Oh, no problem,? replied the woman, ?on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, where do you live??

At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.
?Well, let?s row over to my place?, she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.

The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

?It?s not much,? she said, ?but I call it home. Would you like to have a drink??
?No,? said the man, ?one more coconut juice and I will puke.?
?It won?t be coconut juice,? the woman replied. ?I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?? Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, ?Tell me, have you always had a beard??
?No?, the man replied, ?I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship?.
?Well, if you would like to shave, there is a man?s razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.?

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.

?You look great,? said the woman. ?I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable.? After a short time, she returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.

?Tell me,? she asked, ?we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now.?

?Yes there is,? the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, ?You mean you actually figured out some way to make an Internet connection??

Don?t use mobile inside Toilet

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying ?Hi, how are you??

I?m not the type to start a conversation in the men?s restroom But I don?t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, ?Doin just fine!?

And the other guy says: ?So what are you up to??

What kind of question is that? At that point, I?m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: ?Uhhh, I?m like you, just travelling!?

At this point I?m just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear I hear another question. ?Can I come over??

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, ?No??. I?m a little busy right now!!!?

Then I hear guy say nervously? .

Listen. I?ll have to call you back. There?s is an idiot in the nearby toilet who keeps answering all my Questions!!!?